I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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