I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
