before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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