if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize