The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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