ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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