he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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