There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
