The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
