Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
