I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
