Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize