I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
