Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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