You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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