I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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