I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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