If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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