new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i dont even know how to be here
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize