24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
