Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Randomize
