Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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