I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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