i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
