My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
