I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
