I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize