I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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