Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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