I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
