I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
