Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
