i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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