I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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