Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
