I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
