but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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