Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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