hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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Randomize