Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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