Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
