I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize