I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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