Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
