so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
