it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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