i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
