pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
