By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
