I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
