i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
