can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
