Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
