I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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