I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
