It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
