John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
