You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you will always have a special place in my vag
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If I die, sorry about rent.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
