proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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