Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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