I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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