He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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